Sunday, November 28

I got addicted to lying.. Should you communicate with the one you hurt?

What should a person who suffers from pathological lying do in order to relieve feelings of guilt and not lose their relationships?

In a report published by the newspaper “The Guardian” (The guardianBritish writer Eleanor Gordon Smith is trying to clarify what can be done, and should we apologize or treat it as if it were a thing of the past?!

A young woman says she was addicted to lying in her late teens and early twenties and lost her fiancé and friends (Getty Images)

Lying addiction

One reader who asked the newspaper to find a solution to her problem says that she was addicted to lying in her late teens and early twenties, when she met a kind and discreet young man, which was exactly what she needed at the time.

The problem owner adds, “He loved me so much and engaged me, but I took advantage of that love. I lied to him about things that I really disgust when I remember them now. Although I felt guilty at the time, I couldn’t control myself.. the lies spread to my circle of friends and we broke up in end of the day”.

She asserts that since then, she has been frank with her friends, apologizing to them and trying to move on. She also tried to apologize to the young man, and despite his attempts to forgive her, “it was clear that his trust in me had been irreparably shaken. Thinking of the past, I feel sorry for myself.” But the feelings of guilt and shame are most overwhelming,” says the owner of the problem.

She adds, “I thought about contacting my ex-fiancé, but my friends and family told me that there was no need to do so. I am afraid that the past will come back to haunt me, destroying my career in one way or another. Have I become irrational? Should I reach out to him or leave the past behind? Is it selfish?”

The culture of apology between spouses, an apology, tolerance or even marital disagreementsSometimes an apology brings up painful memories (Getty Images)

The purpose of the apology

Writer Eleanor Gordon Smith argues that before you apologize to the person you offended, you must first ask yourself the following question, “Is the purpose of an apology to repair the hurt you caused or to rid yourself of shame?”

“If you’re trying to fix the hurt you’ve caused, it’s worth considering the possibility that an apology may backfire. Sometimes an apology brings back painful memories, or causes the other person to rethink whether or not they’ll forgive you. It’s embarrassing,” she says. Really being unable to tell if the other party is willing to listen to you.”

The author advises being careful about apologizing in this case, because if the goal is to alleviate the suffering of the person you have offended, you may be hurt in return.

But if the goal of the apology is to try to get rid of guilt and shame, in the hope of reducing the threat that the lie may pose to your career or your relationships, then you are not to blame, according to her.

The writer stresses that it is very difficult to live with the fact that in the past you did things that you hate now, and even more difficult is knowing that others hate you for it. And this is exactly what happens: “The people you have offended will have permanent bad thoughts about you and they will still resent you even if you change.”

The culture of apology between spouses, an apology, tolerance or even marital disagreementsIt is possible to work hard to change the inferiority view that has formed in the mind of the other party by adopting new values ​​(Getty Images)

Difficulty coexisting

Accordingly, the problem writer advises to avoid communicating with her ex-fiancé, if the goal is merely to calm her guilt and shame, explaining that part of growing up is taking responsibility for the consequences of our actions and not evading them.

She adds that it is possible to work hard to change the inferior view that has formed in the mind of the other party about you by adopting new values ​​and being more courageous, but “you cannot ask someone you have hurt to remove the barriers he has placed between you and him and like you again as if nothing had happened.” Or he promises not to tell anyone the truth about what you have been.”

The writer asserts that sometimes “you just have to maintain your dignity and accept the fact that you are hated, and this proves that you have changed.”

Trust your ability

The author recommends not apologizing just because you are looking for reassurance and escape from the consequences of your past. Instead, trust that you will face those consequences with the honor and courage you have learned.

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