Even worries have etiquette.. How do you choose the right person to listen to your problem?
After an argument, the husband gets out of the house angry and heads to his sister’s house, and the wife picks up the phone and calls her friend to complain about him, then each returns feeling how strong his position is and how wrong the other party is.
If this is the case after every argument, you chose the wrong person to hear your concerns and he chose the wrong way to hear you.
Dr. Hanan Tantawy, a researcher at the National Research Center in Cairo and one of the founders of the free “We Hear You We Support You” initiative, which aims to help women and girls deal with life’s stresses, says, “It is difficult when feeling angry to think of the right person to advise. So it is useful to learn. How do I listen to understand my feelings and the feelings of the speaker?
Mistakes in dealing with feelings
Dr. Hanan explained to Al Jazeera Net that people deal with their feelings in 3 wrong ways, and we have to deal with them in 3 correct ways:
Denial: I ignore my feelings all the time, I don’t know how to call them or I can’t call them or I don’t want to, as the person insists that he is strong and okay and that everything is fine, and this is pervasive and is the effect of the general culture of society that portrays these feelings as a defect or weakness.
Preoccupation Man drowns in his feelings without discrimination, he may feel psychological pressure and fatigue and remain locked up, he can only think of him as a complex web of wool wrapped around his eyes.
reincarnation: Reducing the soul to one feeling, such as saying I am so nervous or I am always “afraid”. These feelings are there but you are bigger than this temporary feeling.
The correct handling of feelings is in 3 numbers:
discrimination To my feelings, and then to a feeling in front of me.
naming this feeling.
vent him to express it and then contain it.
What is the use of understanding feelings?
“We all have psychological needs to be seen and felt from within, as this makes us feel valued,” explains Dr. Hanan.
And she continued, “I am reminded of Paulo Ferreri’s saying: reading the world before reading the word, and his saying that education is the energy of liberation. Liberation of the world begins with liberation of the self, and in order to be liberated, I must understand and liberate my feelings first, and whenever a person can do that, he is creative in his life and avoids many psychological and behavioral disorders.” .
What does the problem owner need?
listeningTo go to the speaker or to the phone and listen with all my senses.
theEmotional sharing:To attend with my feelings without previous judgments, feelings are common to all human beings, and in the end, God judges between us in what we differ in. It is not my role to evaluate others or to make judgments. Feelings are a right that we do not question, even if we differ in our view of behavior.
Compassionate voice: I speak calmly and calmly.
Hum: Without agreeing or interrupting, the most important of them make me feel that I am hearing him.
re-talk: To re-understand what I understand with the acknowledgment of feelings.
Focus on position: Not on the person or the character. I can say “I know you feel sad because of what happened” and this is better than saying I know you’re sad, so that reincarnation does not happen.
We usually jump in to offer a solution or advice to get the person out of their grief as quickly as possible. Here we differentiate between the relative who accepts but rather seeks an opinion, and the distant or even close relationships whose owners consider this to be interference.
In the first case, if we had complete knowledge of the person and the subject, a solution could be presented, but without guardianship.
But if we lack this knowledge, then we must know that God created in man the nervous system that is prepared to find a solution as soon as he realizes the danger. Everyone knows what solutions suit him, but he may need a push through questions that make him discover the solution himself.
The problem and its impact should not be underestimated by saying sentences such as “Ahmed our Lord, you are better than others,” or to advise people who have lost a son to say, “Thank God that you have another.” Such words, even if they are in good faith, forfeit the human right to grieve.
One of the most important mistakes is also to make the topic of discussion about you, so start reviewing your own experiences.
Mistakes that negatively affect any dialogue
- schadenfreude For example, saying, “You deserve everything that happened to you because you did not listen to my advice.” This sentence conveys the speech of how smart you are, reduces the value of those in front of you, and may end the entire dialogue.
- insult: For example, judging those in front of you with stupidity, misjudgment, or lack of wisdom in making a decision in that situation.
- interrupt: People who interrupt constantly tighten the chest in front of them, and their behavior may be seen as bullying or arrogance. Give those in front of you a chance to complete his words before you acknowledge their feelings or inquire about something.
- arguing: If the conversation turns into an argument, the result will always be a loss for all parties, even for the apparent winner.
Perhaps for all of the above details, some people prefer to conceal their feelings and not share them even with the closest people, but sharing feelings serves us and others; It is a way of thinking out loud to reach clarity.
It is a means that has filled history with valuable lessons. If all of its products of feelings and ideas were stored, nations would have gone culturally bankrupt, devoid of valuable historical lessons, and lacked the collective experience of human beings.
Sharing our weak points and moments instills humility and human understanding between us, brings people closer, and increases understanding. If we learn to listen to our feelings and the feelings of others, the family will be closer, and if we rise to doing the same with neighbors and colleagues, the community will rise and its happiness and creativity will increase.